“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues”. – Abraham Lincoln
I frequently summon this quote to defend my poor choices. My students tell me that the Monster Energy I am drinking is probably killing me. Boomers tell me that the Starbucks I tote in to school sometimes is the reason that I’ll never get to retire. With both groups, I’ll just pull out the ol’ Honest Abe quote and tell them that I plan on dying at my desk one day and that usually shuts them up. I have to admit, though, I am a man of creature comforts and vices. I like me a little treat, y’all.
Distance running tends to enable this because I can get away with eating and drinking more junk, but it has limits. After I finish my long-runs (whatever my longest run of the week is), I only want one thing – WATER. Insert another vice. I swing by a gas station and pick up a bottled water. In doing this, I have learned that not all bottled waters are created equal. Some have a refreshing taste and leave me feeling pleasantly bloated, and some taste like the backwash-laden waters that my sons leave sitting around my house. This reminded me of when my adopted daughter and I tried every flavor of Monster Energy and gave them ratings in a shared note. It was a fun little vice she and I shared and we talked about it often.
In honor of that, I decided to make my new bottled water purchases a part of my blog. I will be leaving this post at the top of my blog and adding to it whenever I try another water. To be honest, I really don’t know how to review water objectively. I’m not exactly a wine sommelier and I doubt there is that much nuance to this game, but I’ll do my best to use consistent descriptors. I’ll probably overuse analogies but these are truly the thoughts that come to mind when I drink these things.
Waiakea Water – I grabbed this out of the fridge and immediately rolled my eyes at the “Hawaiian Volcanic Water” shtick…right up until I finished my first sip. Now? If they want to tell me this water came from a volcanic spring in Hawaii? I’d believe em’. Heal my emotional trauma? Whatever you say, Waiakea. It’s insanely refreshing, has a pleasant mineral taste and a smooth mouth-feel. The worst part of this water is that I tried it early and now I have to force myself to try other, less delicious waters. I also like that from everything I found, this brand legitimately cares about sustainability and respect for the land/people they take their resources from.
Fiji Water – This is the original boujee water to me. This brand has been around forever and it makes me feel boujee every time I get one. This was the first one I reached for and… It’s fantastic. This brand claims to get their water from a spring on the island of Fiji, and I can definitely taste the minerals and electrolytes that come with that, but they are noticeable in a good way. Delicious.
SMART Water – This ad cracked me up so much I had to use it. Good grief. Claims to be “vapor distilled” water that has a “balanced, natural taste” from added minerals. I don’t know what vapor distilled means but I would agree that the rest of it is pretty accurate. It’s crisp and consistent. Let me put it this way – if I want a bottled water but am unsure which one to pick? I am going to reach for this one. Thanks, Zendaya.
Essentia – So, I gather that PH levels are a big deal to some people. It’s reputed among some to help with hydration and recovery, but as of yet there isn’t really any evidence to back that up so I’m not making a big deal out of it. Anyways, this brand touts their water as having a high ph (9.5) and being high in alkaline. To me it tasted incredibly similar to SMART water. The electrolytes also have a saltier taste than I would like. I’m knocking them down a peg just because I’m annoyed at how much time they made me spend reading about PH levels in water.
Liquid Death – Best branding out of anyone here, to the point of where I buy it whenever I see it just because the ads make me smile. I’ve had their sparkling varieties before, and I see this offered a lot at places like concerts and sports venues as an alternative to alcoholic beverages. It sure as heck beats the nightmare that is non-alcoholic beers you find at games now. Anyways, the non-flavored version is just fine. It says “from a deep underground mountain source” on the can…which made me skeptical because of how weirdly non-specific that claim is. I would’ve believed them if they said it came from some mountain I’ve never heard of, but now? I’m wondering if this came from the spring in Gollum’s cave. The water is fine. I spent the whole time wishing I had just gone for the sparkling variety, though, if that tells you anything.
Dasani – It’s essentially bottled tap water. My wife says it’s fine and she likes it but she doesn’t even like sleeping with the fan on so she can’t be trusted. It’s inoffensive but if I am going to ingest some microplastics I want it to be worth it. This ain’t worth it.
UDF Natural Spring Water – I like that they put on the bottle where they source the water from, but the taste of the one I drank was…not stellar. If I can identify iron as being one of the flavors? That’s a problem. Tastes like the Rust Belt, man.
Nestle Pure Life – Tastes like it’s been sitting in a hot car all day. Doesn’t matter how cold the bottle actually is, it always tastes the same. Abhorrent.
Teaching on the Run 
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